Imagine that the entire self-improvement industry was removed from our culture by flip of a switch.
No images of an obese past self next to a thin present self that advertises, “Lost 100 pounds in 3 months.” No adverts that say, “How to earn six figures in six months.” No law of attraction. No mind control techniques. No zero to 7-figures (it used to be 6-figures). No 10x this or 10x that. No super longevity or super brain techniques.
And finally, one of my favorites, no how to become a badass (insert noun) or an unfuckable ( insert noun).
If the self-improvement industry didn’t exist, would you see yourself as broken, damaged or inadequate?1 More importantly, would you feel the need to become someone different and grow?
The billion dollar self-help2 industry has us convinced that we are damaged and broken. That somehow our life sucks and we need to fix it. All we have to do is master the steps of thinking, feeling, and acting in a certain way, or break the bad habits and install productive ones, or apply the pareto principle and 80/20 our life, then we’ll fix this broken down, damaged self and be on our way to happiness.
Thus, the war on the self begins.
The first stage of the war campaign is fragmenting your life into boxes—career, financial, health, spiritual, relationships, etc.—so you can divide and conquer.
Next, and within each box, you must decide what you want and form a clear image of your future self. Then, once you’re clear on your future self, pack that image with tons of emotion and take bold action. Perform this mental rehearsal everyday and you will soon become your future self and achieve all of your desires.
Begone! You old nasty self.
Do I have a cynical attitude toward the self-improvement industry? I admit that I have been shamed and manipulated into personal growth products and coaching programs. I have spent thousands of dollars on false promises and no results. I have been told that the methods work and I just need more self-discipline. Despite all of that, this is not a rant nor do I hold any grudges. I'm not a cynic.
I am illustrating that the self-improvement industry creates a dichotomy between your present self and future self. That somehow A is not good enough and you need to get to B at all costs.
For example, American culture sees being fat as bad and skinny as good. We construct many narratives about the health consequences of fat and glorify the skinny look. A whole industry of supplements, diets, and workouts—sponsored by “beautiful” people—was constructed to conquer the fat problem.
Oftentimes, a fat person is shamed or ridiculed for being who they are; her sense of worth is reduced to peanuts because everywhere she turns are cultural images, symbols, and people pointing the finger and saying, “Fat is bad.”
What follows is a dark abyss of self-loathing and low self-esteem. Each moment is a living hell until she gets out of this fat body. Maybe with enough force, willpower, and coercion, she beats her body to a pulp and gets to the acceptable cultural weight and waist size.
But is she finally satisfied afterwards?
For a brief moment, but the treadmill starts up again. Now she has to maintain her body image to feel worthy and maintain her new social circle.
She has to exert extreme willpower and self-discipline to beat back any cravings or urges for “bad” food and drink. She ignores her body’s cry for rest and pushes through workouts.
It’s an endless cycle of more desiring, more growth, and more war with the self.
If you’re not careful, you get stuck on a treadmill of always wanting more or never having enough. You may have windows of satisfaction if a particular result is achieved, but soon that window closes and you’re back to a perpetual state of dissatisfaction.
You’re left with broken and empty promises. A promise that guaranteed happiness by way of growth.
The broken promises of self-improvement are not one person’s or corporation’s fault. I’m not pointing the finger at any particular person involved with self-improvement. The self-improvement industry is more of a reflection of the current state of human consciousness.
The problem we have created is believing in a story that we are separate entities, residing in bags of skin, who were thrown into an alien universe.
To survive, thrive, and be somebody, this separate self must grow and dominate at all costs. As the old self-improvement saying goes, “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” We must whip ourselves into shape, become economically useful, grow our bank account, and dominate nature.
This growth mindset has failed us.
The crises within our personal lives and across the world are strengthening and growing in numbers. Despite our best efforts to dominate and grow, we are polarized, divided, in debt, unhealthy, and stripping the earth at an alarming rate. We have converging political, financial, ecological, and socioeconomic crises. The only solution to these matters has been divided discourse, finger pointing, and blame.
How do we get out of this mess? How do we get out of the perpetual need of improvement and growth that’s causing so much inner war and outer destruction?
The backwards step to reunion
Instead of pushing and forcing growth (a paradigm that has run its course), let’s try a backwards step into reunion.
What does reunion look like?
On a personal level, we focus on becoming completely comfortable in our own skin. We stop identifying as separate selves thrown into an alien universe. We realize that we are not one, but we are not two, either. We work on interdependence and let go of the small needy self.
At the macro level, we let the old stories and systems break down; we ride the waves of the great unknown. This is not apathy toward our life and the real struggles of humanity. It’s surrendering the paradigm that got us in this mess.
If we took this backwards step into reunion, before growth, an emergence would take place.
Our fixed and narrow perspective would loosen and the self would emerge as an intelligent, whole, and beautiful being. This break in tunnel vision is like suddenly realizing we don’t have to stare straight down at the floor anymore; we have other options as to where to adjust our gaze. Not only do we see multiple perspectives, we understand that there’s not one right perspective and each perspective is honored and considered.
The isolated and separate self subsides and the integrated self emerges.
She treats life as sacred and feels the interconnectedness between all things—the mountains, oceans, rivers, birds and all of earth. The old story of separation is what spawned jealousy, greed, and destruction. That separate self plundered the earth, stripped community, and abused each other for personal gain and because of insecurity.
The integrated self acts from insight and love. She is part of the whole and at the same time contains the whole. There is nothing lacking. She doesn’t need to become a better person. She doesn’t need to change herself. She doesn’t need material gain to prove her worth.
She just has to let go of wanting things to be different and allow life to unfold.
Only from this integrated self can we solve the converging crises of our time. An unlearning needs to take place as we enter this space of reunion. We transition from fear-based questions centered around personal gain—How can I earn more money? What do I want? How can I have this or that? And etc., etc.—and ask questions that bring Life into the equation—What’s my role in life and within humanity? What does life want? How can I work with the earth? How can I contribute to building a more loving and beautiful world?
If you listen, life will respond. An intelligence far greater than what the separate self can comprehend will emerge.3
The transition into reunion is upon us. The lack you may feel, the insecurity, the uneasiness, and the crises are the separate self and cultural systems breaking down.
Shall we let go of the old story and paradigms of the separate self, and allow the integrated self to emerge? Or, are we going to grip on tight for a bit longer, create more suffering, and try to force our way through this mess?
The irony is that both paths lead to the same place.
I am not accounting for real trauma or mental illnesses.
I interchangeably use self-improvement with personal growth, self-help, and personal development; it’s all the same thing.
The essence of these questions are nothing new. Many teachers, sages, saints, and mystics have made similar statements to help us trust in life and an intelligence greater than “me.” The one that comes to mind is Jesus’ biblical saying, “Not my will, but thy will be done.”